freshly squeezed (decim) wrote in stupid_free,
freshly squeezed

I know, second post in a day, post whore, etc.

...But I couldn't help myself.

Is anyone else waiting for kitra's post in customers_suck to explode? It's gotten pretty good so far. She's already deleted comments that disagree with her point of view.

Just in case this one gets deleted, here's the text. It may very well be tl;dr for some people. I know my eyes started to glaze over. It's about women, and how they need to get over themselves!

Dear tiny women,

Get the fuck over yourselves. Seriously. You're small enough to get flushed down the toilet, so you have NO room to complain about ANYTHING! Stop bitching! You would be the people whom STFU was designed for.

Our sizes run small, just like sizes of all fashions tend to run. The fact that you happen to be a "medium" in our products is NOT call for a major episode. Don't shout at me, all outraged when I tell you that you're a medium after running an eyeball up and down you. Our smalls are sized for CHILD-sized-people, so being a nearly-full-grown adult, you are a medium. Get the fuck over it. I could snap you like a twig, you anorexic self-absorbed bitch. The fact that you're forced to have a tag in your clothes with an M will not kill you. Tags can be removed and nobody will be the wiser. Stop freaking out about being a medium and go eat some lard. The sound of your bones clacking together disgusts everyone within hearing range. Stop whining and get out of my store until you eat something... without purging please.

When you behave yourselves, you will find I can make magic with what the gods gave you. I can give you something rarely seen on girls of your size without surgery - cleavage! If you allow me to do my job without a hassle, I will show you that you do indeed have breasts! Deal?

Dear normal sized women,

You are a large. Don't cry. So am I. Telling you that seems to calm you. You are lucky enough to have the best selection in the store, and the plight of being the most popular size to get sold out first. Come early, pre-order and be patient. Thank you. You are the lowest-maintenance people that come in here.

Dear big and beautiful gals,

Please don't get me wrong, bigger girls are MUCH more attractive that the stick figures who gripe about being a medium. You girls always appreciate the work I do more as well. I can give you a waist if you don't already own one, so let's get a few ground rules down here:

We have 2 plus sizes, XL and XXL. Please be realistic about which one you fall into. PLEASE! If you are a bus-sized hulk with no waist at all, don't hand me a XL corset and tell me I have to lace you into it. I will laugh and take your hand and lead you back to the XXL, and THEN suggest a double-lace to get you all squeezed in there. Frankly, some of you huge girls will not even fit into our XXL. Sorry, we just don't have that large a bodice for you. Send a letter to the people that make the damn things, but don't cry to me. I just lace 'em. I don't make 'em.

Stop telling me you've lost weight and you're now an XL or an L. You're not. You're squeezed into that XXL like a sausage into a casing and it's all I can do not to laugh at you. Stop telling me how small you are. You're not. I can not stress enough that if the laces are taunt and the sides of the bodice are not touching, you are NOT ready for a smaller size, regardless of how much weight you have lost. Be realistic here! Yes! You are beautiful. That XXL looks great on you and gives you a nice figure, but NO, you are not small enough to fit into something smaller. If you really want, I'll sew in a tag over your tag that says a smaller size. Maybe that will work for the tiny gals who have issues with being a medium as well.

Next, please be aware of your size. You and I in a dressing room is quite cramped enough. You and I and your 3 best friends, who are also as big as you = very not right. It's cramped in there with just me and a "medium" girl... let alone a whole pack of wilder beasts, all sweating and squishing. Ew. Please, ask your pals to wait outside. I'll even open the door with a flourish and shout TAH DA!" for your grand entrance if you keep the rest of your group outside and out of my hair.

Also, stop trying to help me. I'm a trained professional. I know what I'm doing. YES, I know you feel exposed, standing before me in some sheer gauze whilst I lace you up and help your boobs defy gravity... but stop trying to help me and stop trying to cover yourself. You see those little holes in the corset? I have to insert this little string through those. If I can't reach them due to your hands being over them, I can't very well do my job can I? Put your hands to the sides, or, better yet, put your hands on the walls! That way when I tighten these laces you won't go flying towards me and crush me like a bug. I have no clue why you act like I'm so strong and hurl yourself at me every time I tug you slightly... you're 3 times my size... by weight alone you can resist anything I might be doing to you. Stop acting like I'm some Hercules dude and you're some wilting violet. I may be a "large" but I'm not THAT strong. Get your hands out of the way and stop falling on/stepping on me.

Whilst we're on the subject of be tugging things, NO I will not reach down your shirt for you, grasp your mammoth mammary and hoist it up for you. That is neither my job, nor my desire. You must arrange your own tit platter. I could get sued for even trying to do that for you. Don't act all embarrassed. You wouldn't be in here asking me to lace you into this thing if you didn't want the "girls" to be up and out there in plain view of everyone, so get in there and move them yourself.

Finally, I'm a corset lacer, not a magician. I will lace you as tightly as I can. You are almost assured of shortness of breath. Stop telling me to make it tighter. There is simply no more room! You're the size of a whole football team! My fingers are cut to shreds from pulling the laces, they are bruised from tightening them to your liking and still you want it tighter... as you fan your face and gasp for breath. NO. I will not be held liable for your death from asphyxiation. If you are into that shit, go find an experienced breath-play dominatrix to assist you. I am not insured. I have bent over backwards for you. I have tightened you to the point of nearly breaking a rib and I have graciously arranged your attire to be pleasing to the eye. That is all I can do.

To all of you ladies:

I am not your personal assistant, nor am I your mother. I am not here to follow you around the store for any reason. See all those other people? They are here to spend money too. I need to be available to everyone. YES, I will spend an hour or more getting you dressed and primped properly. NO, I will not carry your things. Do I look like a pack animal? Don't hand me 5 items and ask me to follow you about whilst you "load me up" with more. I am not a grocery cart. I have better things to do. How about you try on ONE outfit at a time. Chances are you'll only buy one and the rest will be forgotten and I'll end up putting them back for you.

NO, I will not babysit your kids. Get them out of here. We have nothing for YOUR kids anyhow. I say that with full knowledge that you don't feel like spending a few hundred bucks on something they will grow out of next year (in the case of girls) or look like a girl in (in the case of boys). If you were willing to plunk down that kind of cash for them, you would care enough to mind them yourselves. Why do you deliberately buy foods that they will make a total mess with and then let them roam unattended through stores with things that cost so much? If your little angel smears that chocolate sauce on one of my garments, I WILL make you buy it.

NO, I will not tell you what you want. I am a dresser, not a psychic. I have no way of knowing what you want. When you stroll in and ask me to sell you the bodice, I will show you where the bodices are and tell you your most likely size and even show you where on the rack that size is located. It is then up to you to choose the style of your liking and the color of your liking. I can tell you the colors I like. More than likely I'll tell you the colors I would most like to sell. I'll even help you match things with other choices you have picked out. I can't tell you what you want though. You are an adult... you need to make choices on your own. Don't tell me to pick everything for you. Don't make me ask 20 questions to try to get an idea of what you want. Don't come in and say you want something vague and then not bother to LOOK at anything we have and expect me to know what you're talking about. We have a LOT of clothes... if you want something specific, you have to tell me, not have me running around the store like a nut guessing what it is you might want. I may be good, but not that good. When in doubt, ask.

NO, I will not give you free merchandise! No, we don't barter. You like? You want? You PAY! It's simple! If you can't afford it, then don't bother coming into the store! Don't complain about the prices. I don't care if you are displeased with the prices. If you can't afford the goods, then you are not our customer are you? We want to please our CUSTOMERS!

If you made a purchase yesterday and want help getting into your purchase today... fine. If you bought a competitor's product 12 years ago and want help... kindly piss off. Firstly, we didn't make it, why should we support it? Do you call Sprint Tech support for your Cingular phone? If I have to lace up one more competitor's corset, and slice open my finger on the craptastic goods, I will deliberately bleed on you! Secondly, after a certain amount of time, you should know how to dress yourself in any article of clothing. If you own something for more than a year, you should be able to dress yourself, by yourself. I can lace my own bodice and if I'm feeling lazy, I can have a friend lace me. Quit coming into the shop for a free lacing or I'll start to charge your ass! As it is, I want to know why you don't tip me!?! You've been in my shop EVERY DAY we've been open...(talking to multiple people) if you have been in that many times for ONE product, some of which not even ours, we deserve a tip for the service. I think a buck in my pocket for every lace I string up, every time I string it up, would be fair. That would be 3 bucks a pop for most of you lazy bitches! Pay up!

Finally, if you walk in 2 seconds before we close, with your snotty-brat and tell us "I'm not going to buy anything today." whilst leading said loaded-stain-machine around and re-arranging the stock... please die. The fact that you're messing up all the stuff I just preped for close = bad... the fact that you brought that nasty nose-miner in with wet, red dye all over it's face and hands = REALLY bad... the fact that you do not intend to buy one damn thing = death worthy. IF you cannot buy, why are you here? Piss off! Come back when you CAN buy! Do you do this just to piss people off?

I think that about covers everything. So to cover the major stuff:
1. Be at peace with/realistic about your size and get over the drama.
2. Stop abusing/misusing your sales staff.
3. The CUSTOMERS are valued... and that involves an exchange of MONEY!

Her reason for deleting comments:

Yes, for all you insecure folks who turned the post into an "OMFG you're persecuting my size!" issue, I did delete all the OT posts. Let's try to keep with the topic shall we?

My issue is not with your size, my issue is with your behavior. If you have issues about your size, see a shrink, not me. I'm not here to PC coddle to your personal issues.

Now if you have some constructive debate on "You really SHOULD be ok with your potential customers wanting things that are not reasonable!" that would be on topic, if somewhat neurotic. If you're just bitching because my wording made you feel bad for whatever reason... the issue is a personal one for your shrink and you to discuss. I cannot help you.

The ensuing comments are classic, and her replies are hilarious!

Edit: Holy crap, it's been deleted ALREADY. Screencaps? Anyone? I didn't even think to take any. Argh.

Son of Edit: Looks like we're got some screencaps! Thanks to bronxelf_ag001 for these. I believe they're all prior to deletion. I'm still sifting through everyone's replies, so if anyone else has posted screencaps, I'll link to them when I find them.
Tags: customers_suck, deleted posts, plus-size wank
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